Storms…

Sometimes you can’t calm the storm, so it’s best to find an anchor that keeps you steady so you don’t lose your balance…

These past weeks have been nothing short of a tsunami. Life in a foreign country with no family or friends and no emotional support, is not for the faint hearted. Coupled with a job that literally threatens to drain the very life out of me, I count myself fortunate to still be sane. Who knew teaching could be this hectic? Well, not when I used to do it back home, and oh I did it for 5 good years so I know very well I went through a lot of different seasons.

I am weary. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. I am overwhelmed. There’s been so much going on and sometimes I feel like I could break down at any point at all. There’s a storm inside my head. I’ve done my best to ignore it for now but it doesn’t make it any smaller. Extended family issues, issues with my business, issues “within and without.” And sometimes I ask myself “Lord, when will these all be over?” I just want some peace and quiet.

I moved houses. No. That sounds too glorious. I moved out of the 2 bedroom apartment my work colleague and I had rented into an overly small room I’ve now rented in someone’s apartment. Her partner joined her and they wanted their own space. Right from the onset, she always said when the tenancy agreement was up, she’d move out. So I had to find another place. But for this country, I never knew house sharing was such a big deal, and let me not start ranting about how expensive this cute box is despite the fact that I could stand in the middle of the room and stretch my hands and I’d be able to touch all 4 walls. Oh it’s that small, trust me! Rent is so expensive in this country! Phone company said we had cancelled wifi contract before time and so I had to pay a £200 fine! The bills that sprung up as we were moving were crazy; I don’t want to start listing them. Would it ever get any easier and better because eeeeiiiiiiii…hmmmmm

I cracked the screen of my TV in the course of settling in this new place because I lost the screws that held the TV stand in place, so now I have an ink patch that keeps growing by the day on the screen. I have coloured lines running on the screen and a certain Harlem shake that’s constantly happening with the visuals when the TV is on. I can’t afford to replace it yet so I’m making do till whenever it decides to completely give up on me!

Speak of Confinement. I now understand why they sometimes say people could go crazy after they’ve been to prison. You’re in a small space where there isn’t any or much freedom. You’re confined to a certain perimeter. That’s how I feel now in this new place. Confined. I share the kitchen with my landlord and his wife, but I feel like a total stranger, like an intruder in someone’s space even though I am paying a huge amount to live here! I wish I had the right words to explain exactly how I feel because I don’t. I’m always in my room. In bed. And this confinement is driving me crazy. It makes me angry. From my bed to my desk to my bathroom to the kitchen when I feel like I’m being uncomfortably watched.

Talk of pressures from family…something happens every day to someone else. Big things, small things. And you’re always called. You see…that family member of yours you’re pampering and actually spoiling, straighten him or her up now before he or she develops into something you’d regret. If not, they take away your peace later on in life.

In the midst of all that’s happening, I have learnt and also reminded myself of key lessons that have kept me grounded in life.

• You are all you’ve really got. Prioritize yourself first.

• Trust God. Trust no man. God is the only one who loves unconditionally. Men(human beings not the other gender…lol) would love you to an extent; that’s even if they are genuine about it, but come on, no one would easily go all out for you. Well…unless you have angels around you. I know someone who does. That’s rare.

• Be wise(whatever this means to you).

• Check your circle of friends. Who do you call friend? Are you sure you’re your friend’s friend? Will they show up for you when you need them to? If something were to happen to you, would they stand with you and do their best for you? Or would they be the ones to put you in trouble and take advantage of you? If you needed 10,000 for a life saving surgery(you decide which currency depending on where you are), do you have a friend or friends who will move heaven and earth to raise that money for you because they wouldn’t want to come crying at your funeral?

• Love with your all? Really? Should you? Do the people you love feel the same way you do? Is the feeling mutual? Or you’re in your own world thinking they do? Will they sacrifice for you? Be there for you because they love you? Go out of their way to make sure you’re happy?

• Sie sika (to wit; save). Il faut économiser. Save so that when rough times come, you have something to fall on. Save so that you don’t ever become anyone’s burden because you have to depend on them. Save so that you have financial independence (whatever that means to you).

Life is full of twists and turns. We are here today, but we could be gone tomorrow, without a warning. I want to die with a smile on my face knowing I lived my best life. Knowing I lived life to the fullest and had amazing experiences and made beautiful memories, loved (and was loved back; if not ?) and laughed till my ribs hurt.

So in the midst of chaos and storms, I always remember this scripture in the Bible and pray based on it:

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

This is what helps still the storm in my head. This is why I still wear a smile. This is why I am still here, in one piece.

Taking it one day at a time…

~Always with love…

Rosario…