Crushed…into little pieces…

“Perhaps someday I’ll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow,” ~ Sylvia Plath

I know it has been a long while…life has been happening and oh every single day, I wanted to blog about things that were happening because writing is how I clear my head. My spirit, however was willing, yet my fingers had no strength to type.

Well, until recently I realized I have been in a dark place…for quite some time…a deep dark hole and I can’t seem to get myself out of it…so I’ve decided to just write again. Whatever is on my mind, whatever I’m thinking about in the moment.

Growing up, I looked for love and care in all kinds of wrong places. After my parents got divorced, a lot of things went wrong with us and I don’t know if they realized it or if they actually would acknowledge it now that my siblings and I have all grown up and are living our own lives. I’m not sure they even think about it…lol….that’s the typical African mum and dad for you…

My dad moved on with his life – he met another woman who didn’t want us in the house so found faults with everything we did and even how we loud we breathed around the house! At some point in my life, I was asked by my loving dad not to come to his house but to stay at my auntie’s, and that he’d send me monthly upkeep. I’d visit him in his workplace and we’d spend the day together. On his way home, he’d drop me off at the bus station and I’d get on a bus to my auntie’s. It was that heartbreaking. I was 19/20 ish around this time…

My mum also moved on after the divorce…she didn’t remarry but she moved to Ho to work…and then later to Accra. I could not live with her because eeeiiii Sakyibea was Sakyibea. Anyone close to me understands that. My mum is fiery! If there’s one person I’m afraid of in my life, it’s my mum! She used to even shout at me and beat me when I was 16/17 so I didn’t really like being around her. We’ve never had a nice mother-daughter relationship so I didn’t dare stay with her. She even once sacked me from her place one night because she had asked me to get a haircut and I didn’t because I was on a school break. Around 11pm, she woke me up and sent me out of her house. A 15/16 year old girl on the streets of Kotobabi after 11pm? I had to find a way to get myself to Newtown and board a bus going to 37. I had no money on me. I had to beg the mate. Did the same at 37 when I got on a bus to Madina and then walked from Zongo junction to my auntie’s. God bless those young men who helped me that night!

My parents had their lives to live and years have passed. I hold nothing against them because I’m sure they had their reasons even if the school of thought would be that I was too young to have gone through all that and they could have done better by me. But I’m not here to talk about them. However, the effect of some of these things was dire – looking for validation from others, looking for the love and the affection that I lacked from others…

It set me on a path of great sorrow even at that age, distress, a lot of anxiety and boy….i went through some very disturbing experiences on that search for peace, acceptance, love and care.

One such time was when someone broke my heart. A boy I had given my all to and loved without restriction. Let’s call him Y. I’ve always being of the notion that when you love, you give. So when I love someone, I give my all. I give my time, I offer help when the person needs it; whether it’s to run an errand or to cook a meal or to assist with whatever it is that the person needed help with. I introduced Y to my grams and she even liked him because she particularly liked the tribe he came from. Y usually worked at night at his family’s business and in the mornings when he had no lectures, would come to mine till late. One such day, he came and a certain girl was all he talked about. From that day, I started to hear about that girl and he always said she was just a friend. Long and short, later, my young naive self was dumped because I still trusted blindly and held on the word of a man.

Trust is one reason why a lot of people get broken hearted. Most times, girls are the most broken hearted because we tend to trust deeply. I wish we knew what stuff the men were made of, that stuff that allowed them to move on so quickly and never be brokenhearted.

Broken heart bi tumi ma wo bɔ dam! (Some heartbreaks can made you go mad, literally ! )

How do you address a heartbreak ? It might involve acknowledging the root causes, such as loss or uncertainty, and finding a path to relief. Spiritual and religious perspectives often suggest that faith, prayer, and trusting in a divine presence can provide a sense of peace, strength, and comfort to navigate these troubles. But in such times, as Christians, do we even remember the scripture in Psalm 34:18? Do we even have the strength to believe it?

« The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit » Psalm 34:18

One major cause of an extremely crushed and troubled, broken heart is Disappointment and betrayal. When you experience hurts from vulnerability, betrayal, or rejection, it can lead to a hardened heart, while disappointment can also be a source of sadness.

So what do you do when you find yourself in such a state?

I’m not sure I have an answer, unfortunately, darlings. What I did when I was, was to cry my heart out for a day or 2. I thought and focused on all the negatives and convinced myself it was for the best that it was over. In about 3 days, I took myself out to the mall, bought a new dress, went to the salon, did my hair, fixed my nails and told myself I was better off without him. But that was my very young self…lol. Not sure that would work today.

Adulthood makes me realize men aren’t the only ones who make our hearts sick and broken. It could be a career that’s not really going the way you want, a business that’s struggling, trusting the wrong person, a friendship that you poured your entire life into yet didn’t get the same vibe…..these things could be the major causes of adult heartbreaks. Oh I forgot being broke!🤣

I don’t know the remedy to a crushed heart. I’m looking for that remedy myself. Pass it to me when you find it. In the mean time, I know there’s one thing that never fails nor disappoints: God’s word.

Psalm 34:18

¹⁸ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

With love, now and always…

~ Rosario.